My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
