I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
