can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
