Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
