You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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