The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
