My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
