i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
