Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
