My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
