I just made out with a guy for $7.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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