so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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