he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
