wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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