Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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