"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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