better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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