the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
