Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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