im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
