I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
