he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
