i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
