You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Your shirt... Was in my pants
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
