i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
