he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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