Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
