peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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