my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I faked an abortion last night.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
