i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
