no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
