Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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