Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
