I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
