R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
