there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
