nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
