Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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