I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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