Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
