I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
