I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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