Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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