...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
