Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I wish there were birth control emojis
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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