i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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