i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
