So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
