2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
