my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
