ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
