Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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