Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
