it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
