Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
